Steven Wright Jokes

Steven Alexander Wright was born in December 6, 1955 and is an American stand-up comedian, actor and writer. He is known for his unique stand-up comedy style which includes a slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical and sometimes nonsensical jokes, paraprosdokians, anti-humor, and one-liners with contrived situations.
Below you can read twenty funniest stand-up comedy jokes by Steven Wright.

1. The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

2. It’s a good apartment because they allow pets. I have a Shetland pony named Nikkie. Last summer Nikkie was involved in a bizarre electrolysis accident. All her hair was removed except for her tail. Now I rent her out to Hare Krishna family picnics.

3. Last time I went skiing, I had to get up at 5:00 in the morning. I knew I couldn’t do that, so I slept with my skis on. My ride came at 5:30 in the morning, couldn’t wake me up so he carried me out of the house, put my skis on the roof rack of the car, and drove to the mountain. Seventeen miles later, I woke up out of this incredibly bizarre dream that I was skydiving horizontally. I’m sure this has happened to you.

4. I bought a dog the other day… I named him Stay. It’s fun to call him… “Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!” He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He’s an East German Shepherd. Very disciplined.

5. I put contact lenses in my dog’s eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

6. My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she’s asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

7. There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

8. I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was “woman”.

9. I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

10. I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing so I bought the album.

11. I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

12. A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said ‘Wish you were here.’

13. I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, “Hey, these records are all blank.”

14. I got an answering machine for my phone. Now when I’m not home and somebody calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy signal. I like to leave messages before the beep.

15. Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall… Pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown.

16. In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, “Cut it out.”

17. I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone.

18. I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I’m the only one moving.

19. I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it sends out this little noise, so when you drive through the woods, deer won’t run in front of your car. I installed it backwards by accident. Driving down the street with a herd of deer chasing me. Those were the days.

20. I saw a sign at a gas station. It said “Help Wanted.” There was another sign below it that said “Self Service.” So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.